I walk into my elder son’s school, and I notice something immediately.
In the lounge where kids hang out after school there are a couple of sofas and a few armchairs. There’s a group of maybe 10 kids clustered around a sofa. Four of them are seated, playing games on laptops or tablets. The rest are ranged behind them, watching them engaged in Minecraft combat or whatever else is being played by their classmates.
My son is ensconced alone in an armchair, reading a book. He’s distanced from the other kids spatially – it’s geographically obvious – but socially as well. He doesn’t yet speak much Spanish. He’s more interested in books than video games. He doesn’t give a shit about Minecraft. He’s not one of them.
And my heart pangs. I want him to be part of the group. I want him to integrate and be one of the in kids, to be popular and a part (instead of apart), to be one of those kids watching other kids play video games.
But wait. Do I really? Would I be happier to see him watching other children strafing skeletons and creepers with, I don’t know, whatever it is you strafe skeletons and creepers with? How pointless, how, how should I put it, mindlessness-once-removed. I’ve got nothing really against video games, but that’s not what this is about. It’s about my son being, well, different, and the best way to handle that.
He’s not at all into organized sports, either playing or watching them. If you were to say ‘Leo Messi’ to him, his immediate mental image would probably be of an unkempt lion, and he’d race off to Google it in order to find out if there was some rare leonine subspecies of which he was woefully unaware.
One of the questions he got when we first arrived in Spain was whether he preferred Barça or Real Madrid. He had no idea what the hell he was being asked, and even if he had he wouldn’t have been able, unlike most boys his age in these parts, to offer an opinion. His most accurate (though perhaps not most appropriate) answer would have been, “I don’t give a rat’s ass about either of them.”
But other kids do, and that’s what worries me. As a parent you don’t want your kids to be that different from their peers, to be the potential objects of ridicule or the targets of bullying. At the same time, you don’t want them to sheepishly follow the crowd, bowing to more popular personalities.
So where’s the balance?
In middle age it’s all too easy to forget how hard it was in middle school. There’s a tremendous amount of pressure to conform, to be part of this clique or that clan. Kids feel the need to ‘define’ their status, their personal identity vis-à-vis their schoolmates, because kids are led to believe in things being black or white.
Are you a jock or a nerd? A gamer or a glee clubber? As we get older we tend to realize that there are a lot of shades of gray (well, at least 50, anyway), and a person can be complicated and contradictory, containing, as Whitman wrote, ‘multitudes.’ This can be a difficult concept for kids to get their heads around, especially since most of the boys are just trying to figure out how not to pop a boner during PE.
For me, I think it’s about allowing space for your kids to discover their own interests and passions, and make their own choices, without too much parental interference. One of my greatest wishes is for my kids to be really, truly – authentically – themselves, without too much concern about fitting in. It’s a difficult thing for anyone – adult or child – to stay true to their personal values – and yes, we all have different personal values – while risking disapproval, rejection, or exclusion by those around them.
But authenticity is important. Researchers at the University of Georgia found that “a sense of authenticity is accompanied by a multitude of benefits. People who score high on the authenticity profile are also more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies, rather than resorting to drugs, alcohol, or self-destructive habits. They often report having satisfying relationships. They enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, confidence in mastering challenges, and the ability to follow through in pursuing goals.”
I know I cared far too much for far too long about how others perceived me (probably still do), but I’ve gotten better about it. Instead of trying to be cool, how about we just teach our kids how to be kind. It’s really hard to be a jerk to someone who’s simply, sincerely, and consistently kind.
And so I guess that’s what it boils down to for me. Let your kids make their own decisions – even bad ones, guide them as best you can, and teach them to be kind as much as possible.
“To thine own self be true,” advised Polonius, and I think that’s as relevant today as it was in 14th-century Denmark, or Elizabethan England. (And I think Shakespeare probably was. True to himself, that is.)
So to my son D I say, “Don’t put down the book. Don’t ever try to mold your self-image or your self-expression to conform to the people around you. Pursue your own interests and passions, even if they differ from those of your schoolmates, your teachers, or your parents. (Unless it’s like necrophilia or, say, curling, in which case you should seek professional help.) If your hero is some dude who blogs about herping (observing reptiles and amphibians in the wild), then don’t worry that your friends’ heroes are pop stars or athletes. But if at some point your hero is a pop star or athlete, that’s fine too. Do you see what I’m getting at? Be the authentic version of D, the version you truly believe in, and you’ll find that others believe in you too.”
This kid wouldn’t stand a chance on the island of ‘Lord of the Flies,’ except maybe for his ability to identify edible plants and his insatiable appetite for raw fish.
Field Notes From Fatherhood 
Great words and meaning. I am the same with our sons, if they are on their own at times it is ok. They like me have something going on in their mind which is more important and beneficial than what the ‘cool’ thing is. My sons can shift between being on their own and with the cool crowd. I like that. Following you for more of your thoughts. Stephen.
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Reblogged this on Rarelifestyle.
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Thanks for the reblog!
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I appreciate your honesty about your initial reaction to your son sitting separately from the crowd. I know I often react to my daughter’s actions or choices based on my OWN insecurities. “What will my college-educated, femenist friends think of my daughter’s latest princess obsession?” (Which I wrote about here http://winterfarmwrites.com/2014/10/24/the-princess-farmer/ )
I want my kids to march to the beat of their own drum…but I don’t want it to be a lonely experience. I want their uniqueness to attract others to their side. But that’s not always how it works–especially in middle school.
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sooo great!! i don’t have kid yet, but working around “them-future generations” makes me learn more about life. Being different…being special…is interesting.
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Couldn’t agree more. I love when people who don’t have kids read the blog as some kind of prelude or introductory course. I appreciate you taking the time to read this stuff and comment. But since you don’t have kids, perhaps you might want to wander through some of your older posts. You might find them, uhmmm… enlightening. And being different isn’t just interesting, it’s essential, I think!
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This is my first experience reading in WordPress,Thank you for this blog:).It is really true that being kind is a warmest act we can teach and show to our kids.Being cool is a warm up.Thank you for sharing..:)
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Thank YOU for visiting and sharing your thoughts!
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D sounds a lot like Yiannis actually and I have felt the anguish of him not fitting in more often than I would like to admit. I once read something that I try to remember whenever in doubt: don’t try to change your child into someone you are more comfortable with, love and cherish the child he actually is. I think that is the essence of unconditional love.
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Well said, Tatu. I think the most you can do is set a good example, guide them as best as possible, and let them be.
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At some stage in life we need to make this step. It is hard whenever it happens. I moved from Ireland to USA age 14 and was very different from the “normal” kid in high school. I was so different that I was kind of interesting to the kids who led – but I was scary to those who just wanted to fit in. Rita Mae Brown said something like “conformity is that everybody likes you except yourself” – some people never develop the capacity to validate themselves and spend all their life trying to get others to validate them. It is a recipe for anxiety.
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Well put, Conor. I couldn’t agree more – and I love the quotation from Rita Mae Brown. Thanks for visiting!
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A very interesting read. As a schoolboy I was very much the rebel and as a redhead I always stood out. I never suffered bullying for a variety of circumstances (I was outstanding academically but also good at sport and other cultural activities like acting and music). I also had great self-confidence, largely because my parents were always very supportive. However, I was always a bit of an outsider and didn’t belong to any particular group. Perhaps because I was good at so many things, I spread myself too thin and in the end did not do as well academically as was expected to do. However, after a gap year and a false start in my first year at university, I finally found my way and got a good result in my degree which set me on my way to a long and interesting career.
My children are like chalk and cheese. My 15 year old daughter is a fiery rebel with a long curly red mane. This makes her stand out from the crowd but she suffered some isolation and a particularly unpleasant case of bullying (which in my view was not handled well by the school). She is very intelligent but underachieves academically because of her tendency to be confrontational with her teachers. I often wonder whether we made the right choice sending in sending her to a “good catholic school”.
My 12 year old son on the other hand is very much a group player. He loves his football and his computer games (he’s a big Minecraft fan) and is very much a part of the group. He’s not a total sheep because as another redhead he has plenty of character. However, he has learned to be less confrontational and this means that his academic results are much better than his elder sibling. It remains to be seen if he continues in the same vein.
At the risk of sounding sexist, I also think there is a big difference between boys and girls at that age. Adolescent girls can be much more unpleasant than boys. Perhaps because they do not normally tend to come to blows physically (although there are exceptions), they often vent their frustrations and jealousies in a more spiteful and insidious way. I realise that there are exceptions to this but from my own experience my daughter has had a much harder time than my son. Perhaps it’s just a group thing and my son has been luckier to find a good group, but talking to other parents I realise that I am not alone in my view.
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Hey Joe, (no, I’m not referencing Jimmy Hendrix there), thanks for stopping by. Regarding your last point, I do think that boys and girls interact in fundamentally different ways, and that girls can be more cattily cruel.
My kids are completely different as well. Our youngest is outgoing and perpetually smiley. I’ve been surprised recently that much older kids in his school (he’s in preschool and these boys are probably in year 4 or 5) greet him by name in the morning and want to play with him after school. It’s bizarre. Why would 8-10 year-olds want to pal around with a 4 year old? I don’t worry about his popularity, certainly. In fact, it’s made me just a touch anxious that he’s going to hang out with an older crowd in later years, but we’ll just have to wait and see.
Isn’t it strange how different your kids can be? If you haven’t read it, you might be interested in this one. https://fieldnotesfromfatherhood.com/2013/10/17/happy-sad-shy-glad-is-personality-pre-programmed/
Anyway, best of luck with the kids, and thanks again for the read. Cheers!
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Great read, as always! My son has already slipped down the screen route, though not at school thankfully. He likes his Horrid Henry books, but other than that I’m having a hard time making him see how magical they are – sad for me, as a bookworm and writer myself (he calls me a booknerd, which I take as a huge compliment). So go D, I would be hugely proud if I was you – he’ll find his own way to fit in, other indepently-minded souls with big imaginations and long attention spans like himself. And he’ll be way cooler than those game geeks. By the way, what’s wrong with curling? 😉
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There’s nothing inherently wrong with curling, it just seems conveniently comical. I’m not really worried about D – I know he’ll be just fine – but there are moments when you want your kids to be part of the gang. If only to make their lives a little easier. But as I wrote, I’d rather have a fiercely independent kid who doesn’t really care about ‘fitting in’ than a kid who obsesses about it. No matter what, this whole parenting thing is always interesting.
And, as always, thanks for stopping by!
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This was an awesome read! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. All the very best to your son. With a thoughtful parent like you he’s got to get happiness always!
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Thanks, Noorie. I appreciate the compliment, and the visit. Cheers!
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